I Could Never Forget
by Doomed to be Uke
Summary: Sometimes your first love isn't the love you're supposed to be with. Sometimes it's wrong to love that person, and you have to ignore your feelings. Zane reflects on this as he thinks about his past with Syrus. Zane x Syrus SHOUNEN AI & INCEST!


Title: "I Could Never Forget"

Author: Vanilla

Rating: PG-13

Pairing: Zane x Syrus, very slight Jaden x Syrus, and very slight Zane x Aster.

Anime: Yugioh GX

Genre: Angst, romance

A/N: In this story Zane isn't in his "Hell Kaiser" form. And I know that Aster leaves to go back to the Pro Leagues in the third season, but in this story he just stayed at the academy. When did I ever go exactly by the anime, anyway? ;D

Warnings: This fic contains SHOUNEN-AI, soft YAOI, and INCEST!! Do not read this if any of those things offend you!! I do not want to be responsible for mentally scarring anyone, so if you don't like it then just x this out now, okay?

Disclaimer: I do NOT own Yugioh GX and sadly I never will. But if I did…man, the show would SO not be about card games. ;D shot

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Everyone has memories. There are good memories and bad memories, memories of happy times, and memories that you try not to think of. And then there are memories that haunt you. Thoughts of a time that changed everything…thoughts that no matter how hard you try, you could never get rid of them. Those were the thoughts that I had. No matter what I tried to do, I couldn't get rid of them, and no matter what I tried to think about, these were the thoughts that would come to me instead.

These thoughts were about one person. And this one person was my little brother. He was small, innocent, and cute…maybe even _too_ cute. He was delicate and sweet, and had low self-esteem. He always saw the worst in things, and no matter how you looked at it he WAS pretty wimpy. But he was kind, and loving, and probably one of the greatest people you could ever meet. Were these thoughts normal for an older brother to have? Maybe…but my thoughts were different, the way I loved Syrus wasn't in a brotherly way or even in a way that one family member would love another one. It was in a deep way…in a way that others would find sick or disgusting; I was IN love with him. He was the one person that I wanted to spend my life with. I wanted to keep him safe and show him how much I loved him in many different ways. But how could anyone understand that? How could anyone think that's right?

Syrus and I were a lot closer when we were younger. I would watch him whenever our parents were out, and it was never a chore for me. I _enjoyed_ watching Syrus and taking care of him. And we would always have fun together. I remember exactly how my heart would flutter every single time I did something that would cause the smaller boy to smile. I loved seeing him smile, and even now, when everything is different, I would still give anything to make sure that he was happy.

It wasn't until I went into Duel Academy that things changed. And by the time Syrus made it there…I could even say that I didn't _want_ him there. The truth was that I was very happy at the thought of seeing Syrus everyday and watching how things went for him in his new school life. But I couldn't allow myself to feel happiness towards him…because my happiness towards him was wrong…I wasn't allowed to feel this way.

The only people that I think could even begin to understand how I feel would be my two childhood friends, Alexis and Atticus. They were siblings too, and they loved each other…but they way they loved each other was right. They loved each other the way siblings SHOULD love each other. I don't think the thoughts I had for Syrus even slightly dawned on them. I don't think they knew exactly how I felt about Syrus, and I would never dare to tell them, but I think they were able to slightly understand that Syrus meant more to me than anyone. They knew that I had some form of a love for him…though they couldn't comprehend what type of a love it was. I remember one day, when Syrus was a freshman at Duel Academy, Alexis asked me why I seemed distant and upset even after Syrus came to my school. I wasn't able to answer her. I think she knew that I should've been thrilled that he made it to the school even if he was only in Slifer Red at the time, she knew how I was. But when it came down to it she didn't understand…I couldn't even begin to explain the turmoil I was feeling.

I still miss the way Syrus and I used to be. The way we used to do everything together…the way we would help each other and have fun. There was a time when I had no problem showing him my true colors and I was honest and carefree around him. We were best friends along with brothers. But after everything changed...we could never go back to that. Ever. Now we were both distant towards each other, and we could be in the same room but not talk at all. We avoid making eye contact, and whenever he was sad despite how much I wanted to hold him and kiss away his tears, I had to pretend that I didn't notice at all. I wasn't allowed to show him any warmth or kindness now because if I did…things would go haywire. The only way to keep things under control would be to stay apart from one another. No, these feelings weren't things that could be ignored, but for them to stay in check I had no choice but to stay away from Syrus. It hurt to see Syrus look sad and alone and know that I wasn't able to do anything to comfort him, but I had no choice. I brought this on myself. Syrus had other friends now. And he even had a boyfriend who was also his best friend, Jaden. He was happy with him, I knew he was. When he needed someone to love him he could always go to Jaden. When it came down to it…Syrus probably didn't even need me anymore.

It's amazing how everything you work on and everything you knew could change completely with just one night. That's what happened between Syrus and I. Just one night…and we lost everything. We had to act the way we were now. Thinking back to that night hurt, and I hated to think about it, but it was something that I couldn't forget at all. No matter how many years went by, that scene remained clear in my mind. I remembered it like it was yesterday.

We were both young at the time, and I wasn't even accepted into Duel Academy yet. But though we were young and maybe even immature, we were both old enough to understand the different feelings and when we spoke we knew exactly what we were talking about. That one night was a stormy one. It was raining rather hard, and there was thunder and lightning crashing outside. I couldn't sleep because of all the noise, and so I had no choice but to just lie awake in bed and wait for the storm to end. I then heard a creak outside my room and I heard my door open. Looking over to the door I saw my little brother standing there, holding his stuffed bear with tears in his eyes. "Big bro…?" He started to say, his small voice shaking with obvious fear, "I'm scared…can I please sleep with you tonight?"

Syrus looked so small and so fragile when he asked me, and I was eager to allow him share my bed if it meant he'd feel better. I hated to see him look afraid and sad like he did, and to know that he was all alone in his room, fearing the storm, made me feel bad. I wanted him to feel safe again. I sat up in my bed and moved over, patting the mattress next to me. I smiled, "Sure, Syrus. Are you afraid of the storm?" Syrus nodded and sniffled, as he crawled into the bed next to me, clinging to his stuffed bear and closing his eyes. I remember how cute I thought he was, and I remember how important I felt to know that he came to me with his fears. I smiled a warm smile at him, and put my arms around him, hugging him tightly. "It's going to be okay…" I whispered to my little brother, "The storm is going to end soon…and I'm here for you. Try to go to sleep, okay?" I remember feeling Syrus cling to the front of my shirt as another crash of thunder was heard outside. "I _can't_ sleep." He whined, "I'm scared and it's too noisy!" I couldn't argue with that, I wasn't afraid, but the thunder WAS loud and that was keeping me up too.

"Then how about we do something to distract you from the storm?" I said, rubbing the smaller boy's back to try and keep him calm. Syrus sniffled again, "Like play a game?" He asked me, and I just chuckled. "That's probably not the best idea…it's late and when the storm ends it would probably be better if we both went to sleep. How about we just talk? That could distract you from the thunder." Syrus smiled slightly which made me feel better and then he agreed. "Okay! But what will we talk about?" I paused and thought for a moment, "I don't know…do you have any ideas?" "Well…" My hands were still on my brother's shoulders, I didn't want to let go of him for a second knowing that he was so afraid. I remember seeing the smaller boy look down, and avoid my gaze, and the look on his face was so confused…his eyes reflected that he was deep in though. "Zane, what is love?" He finally asked me, looking back up at me for a moment. I blinked, and stared at Syrus. Out of all the things for Syrus to say, I never expected him to say THAT. We never even discussed something like that before! But a question was a question, and if that's what Syrus wanted to talk about then that was what we'd talk about.

"Love is when you want to be near someone all the time. When you could feel your happiest around that person but also your saddest. When you see the person smile, it makes you smile too, but at the same time, when that person looks sad, you could also feel sad." I knew that I was speaking from experience, though I had only felt this type of love once, and for only one person. Syrus paused again, looking deep in thought again and avoiding my eyes once more. "How do you know when you love someone? Do you get any weird feelings around them?" I didn't know what was bringing all of these questions out of Syrus, but I had no choice but to answer them. "Sort of." I said, "You feel exactly how I just told you and sometimes your heart well…flutters. It feels like you have butterflies flying around in your chest." When I said this I remember seeing Syrus' cheeks flush a light pink as he put a hand over his heart, his teddy bear dropping onto the bed beside him. I couldn't help it anymore, I had to ask. "Why?" I finally said, "Do you think that you love someone?"

Syrus's blush darkened, and he seemed to grow shy right before me. He nodded, "Y-yeah…" He said in a voice that was even smaller than usual, "I think that I really love this person, and I feel everything around him that you just told me. But I don't think I'm allowed to love him…it would be wrong." I never for a moment thought that the person Syrus loved was me, and at this moment I remember feeling a slight stinging pain in my heart at the thought of Syrus loving someone else. But at the same time I felt happy, I thought that it was sweet that Syrus felt so strongly about someone, and it was cute to me to know that this was his first love. Apparently this person that Syrus loved was a boy…and I started to think that maybe I knew him too. "It's never wrong to love someone." I said, wanting Syrus to feel better. "It doesn't matter who they are or what other people think about your feelings, as long as you love each other, that's all that counts."

When I think back to this scene, I can't help but think that I was lying to Syrus. People say that love is never wrong, no matter whom you're in love with, but that's just because nobody felt the love that I felt. Was it "right" to be in love with your brother? Someone you were related to? I wanted Syrus to be happy, and I wanted him to feel okay with whoever it was that he was in love with. That's why I told him what I did…but maybe it was wrong that I told him that. Maybe if I told him that sometimes it COULD be wrong to be in love, depending on who you get these feelings for, then the way things were now…would be so much better. Maybe Syrus and I would still be allowed to be close if I had stopped all of this from happening right at the beginning.

I remember how quiet Syrus was after I said that. It was almost as if he was debating with himself, trying to decide what he should do next. And for some reason I felt the need to keep pressing. I should've just left things the way they were, I shouldn't have said anything else!! If there was anything in my past that I could change it would definitely be the way I acted here. "Do you want to tell me who this person is?" I asked him, and almost the second I did Syrus quickly answered back, "No! I can't!! I could never tell you!!" He looked away again, "I'm sorry, Zane…I just…" I remember how confused I felt, and how I wanted to know who he loved even more-so. I rubbed his back again, "It's okay." I told him, "You don't have to tell me. You could tell me when you're ready."

Neither of us noticed the thunder or lightning outside anymore, and I don't even think Syrus felt afraid any longer. There was a silence between us, me staring down at my little brother, and Syrus staring down at the blankets underneath him. It was almost as if he was afraid of what would happen if he looked up at me. But suddenly he did, his cheeks flushed, and his eyes sparkling with innocence and something else that I didn't understand at the time. "What about you…?" He asked me in a very small voice, "Is there anyone that you love?" The way Syrus looked …it was indescribable. I remember how I didn't even think that he was cute at that moment, I thought that he was _beautiful_. I smiled down at him, "I do." But what happened next…I remember how confused I felt and how I wasn't expecting it at all. Syrus looked _hurt._ He looked like he was upset to know that I loved someone, and his eyes started to glisten for a moment from what weren't tears of fear, but tears of pure sadness.

"Syrus?" I asked him, not understanding what was going on. Syrus didn't answer and looked away. When I think back to this scene I understand what Syrus was feeling. Ever since he was little, Syrus never thought that things would work out well. He always saw the bad side in things, and so right now…he was probably already preparing himself for rejection. But at the time I didn't get it. I had no clue that Syrus felt the way he did I thought that it just wasn't possible. And then Syrus spoke up again, refusing to look up at me, and trying to blink away his tears. "So does that mean…" He started to say, "You could never love me…?"

I remember how I felt shocked, I was starting to get what was going on but I couldn't believe that it was real. I was so close to trying to get myself to wake up, I thought that there was no way this wasn't a dream! But I think that I made myself too happy. I should've done something else…I should've reacted differently. I shouldn't have let this go on the way it was. But back then, I wasn't thinking about the consequences, I wasn't thinking about the future. I was living too much in the moment than anything else. I lifted one hand off of Syrus' shoulder and I placed it on his chin, to lift his head up slightly. I then leaned in kissing the smaller boy's lips gently. My eyes were closed, but I remember how I was able to feel exactly how Syrus felt right now. His whole body tensed up, and he barely kissed me back. I knew that he was confused and maybe even scared, and the next thing I knew he pulled away from me, staring at me, his eyes wide. "Z-Zane…!! Big bro…wh-what was…?"

It wasn't until that moment that I really started to realize what I had just done. I gasped and placed a hand over my lips, I couldn't believe that I had actually just KISSED my younger brother! But did I regret it at the time? I don't know. "Syrus…I…I'm sorry, I got carried away." I said, honestly, not knowing how to explain what I had just done properly. Was there a way to explain that in a nice way? When you kiss your little brother like that…what on earth are you _supposed_ to say? I saw Syrus shake his head, and he moved closer to me again, tugging on the front of my pajama shirt. "Big brother…does that mean that you…?" His cheeks were redder than ever, and I knew that he was probably feeling too shy and embarrassed to even finish that sentence. But that didn't matter, I knew exactly what he was talking about. Emotions running high, I softly brushed a stray strand of blue hair out of Syrus' eyes. "Yes." I said, though I regret it now, "I love you little brother."

Syrus' eyes grew wide again, and he had an expression on his face that was both happy and shocked at the same time. I found myself smiling at him gently, once again I wasn't thinking about how bad this was. "Oh, Zane…" He said, his voice squeaking happily. "I love you too, big bro. I really do." At this moment Syrus smiled at me, and wrapped his arms around my neck, hugging himself close to me. I wrapped my arms around his waist, hugging him back just as tightly. I'll never forget the warmth and love that was felt between us at that moment. Right there…it was almost as if we weren't brothers anymore. It was almost as if everything was going to be okay, and as if the way we felt was okay. "Zane…" Syrus whispered to me, suddenly. I was still holding him and I noticed the shyness right away in my little brother's voice. Syrus pulled away from me just slightly to stare at me, his face redder than it had been all night. "Can you kiss me again?" He asked, innocence and shyness reflecting in the tone of his voice.

I smiled at him again and before we both knew it, we leaned it and kissed each other. I had never kissed anyone before, but I somehow knew what to do with instinct alone. Both Syrus and I were inexperienced, but I managed to take the lead all the same. I slowly started to deepen the kiss, by suckling lightly on Syrus' bottom lip. And once the smaller boy's lips were parted, I slowly entered my tongue into his mouth, and Syrus' tongue met mine right away. Unlike before, Syrus' body was relaxed and calm and he wasn't anywhere near tense. It was at this point that I lost all of the little control I had. I found myself leaning into Syrus, the smaller boy falling back onto the bed, his head hitting the pillows. He didn't protest, or react any differently, and I didn't even realize what I was doing.

I continued to kiss him deeply, and the only time we pulled away was for the need of air. I found myself finding my way between Syrus' legs, and I grinded against the smaller boy's body underneath me. I heard Syrus whimper through the kiss, and it caused my heart to skip a beat. But I didn't stop there. I started to run my hands up Syrus' pajama shirt, pulling it up all the way to expose his chest. My fingers trailed over his nipples, playing with them and pinching them gently, until they were both hardened nubs on his chest. I broke the kiss to nibble on his earlobe, and then I moved down to his neck, kissing and nibbling on the pale flesh until I left a mark. The whole time I continued to grind against him and play with his nipples, my hips slowly starting to increase their pace. Syrus' mouth was free now and I heard his breath increasing, and he was making soft whining sounds. He panted my name, and I heard the arousal and want increasing in his voice. The arousal I was getting from all of this was increasing too, I was getting so hot…all of the control that was still left within me was now completely gone. I had no idea what I was doing or what started it…but I liked it and I found myself wanting more.

I was proud of Syrus, here. Apparently despite everything, he still had control. He still had a grip on reality and he knew that what we were doing and what it would lead to needed to stop. Syrus was younger than me…and I always did my best to protect him and be the one to lead HIM from right and wrong. But this time, Syrus led me. Syrus was stronger than me. "Z-Zane…" Syrus panted, bringing his hands to my shoulders as an attempt to slightly push me away. I knew what he was trying to do and so I immediately lifted myself up, staring down at him. I didn't want to do anything that Syrus didn't want, emotions or not. "I…I'm scared." The smaller boy underneath me finally whimpered, "I don't think that I'm ready to do this." Syrus' face was flushed again, and lust shown in his eyes, but it made me smile at how he kept control. I didn't argue, I wanted Syrus to be happy as always and I quickly got off of him. But now I found myself blushing too, what made me do that? I've always loved Syrus, but I was never tempted to do something like _that_!! "I'm sorry…" I said, looking away. "I guess I got a little carried away." Syrus smiled at me, his innocence showing through again. "It's okay." He said, "I'm not mad."

We both smiled at each other for a moment and then we both laid back on the bed. I was laying on my back, staring up at the ceiling and I remember how happy I was when I felt Syrus move closer to me. I wrapped an arm around him, to pull him a little closer and Syrus snuggled against me. The storm outside was nearly over, and it was the last thing on either of our minds. We were happy. For the last time, we were happy together. It was then that Syrus surprised me again with his maturity, he spoke up again. "Big brother…are you sure this is going to be okay? What will Mom and Dad think? What will others think? Are we really allowed to be together?" Syrus managed to bring me back to reality again. No matter how much I wanted this…and no matter how much I wanted to be happy with him, I knew it wasn't possible. We were brothers, we weren't allowed to be together. And it wasn't just because of what other people would think it was for us too. Siblings just didn't fall in love, it wasn't supposed to happen. And yet we did…it couldn't be right, it WASN'T right. Sometimes, your true love isn't the love you're supposed to be with. Sometimes you had to do things that you didn't want to do…and this was just one of those things.

I turned to face Syrus, a very serious expression forming on my face. Syrus gave me a serious expression right back, as if he knew what was coming. "I'm sorry…" I whispered, "I love you, Syrus, I really do…but when it comes down to it I know we can't be together. I know I said that it could never be wrong to love someone but us…we're different. We're brothers. I know we can't help what we feel but…no one will ever understand." Syrus eyes started to fill up with tears again, which pained me, but I knew he understood. I had no choice but to continue, "You're still young, Syrus. You'll find someone else. You'll find someone that you'll love even more than me. And they will make you happier than I ever could." I smiled supportively at my brother, even though my heart was aching. Syrus was crying and it was because _I_ was hurting him. I couldn't take it, I wish I could take his pain away but there was nothing I could do. "No I won't." Syrus said, sobbing bitterly. "You're the only person I'll ever love. I could never find someone else!!" This hurt me even more, Syrus had no idea what he was doing to me. "I'm sorry…" I said softly. "It has to be this way…"

Syrus sobbed again but then nodded, and he moved even closer to me. "But…now that we confessed…I don't think I could ever act the way I did around you. I'll get carried away…I'll want to be the way we are right now…so does that mean…?" This hurt more than anything, it was right at this moment that I started to wish that I could turn back time. "I don't think I'll ever be the same now, either. And even if we try to act normal…I'm sure people will notice the change." Syrus looked just as pained as I was and we both stayed quiet for a long time. Fate was horrible…what it was doing to us…it just wasn't right. I wished things were different, I wished things weren't turning out the way they were now. But we both had no choice, we had to accept it. We could do nothing to change how we were destined to live. "Zane…" I heard Syrus start to say, his voice small and sad. "I know what we have to do but…can I please spend the night with you anyway? Just one last time?" Though his words were so sad, they were the only thing that could bring happiness to me. I smiled a weak smile down at him. "Of course."

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I leaned against the tree and waited for my boyfriend to meet me here. He was never late, so I knew he'd be here any minute. I was going to go out on a date with him and hopefully that would take my mind off of everything. I loved my new boyfriend, I did, but they always said that you could never forget your first love…it was true. I could never forget him, and everyday I would wish that things were different. But it was no use wishing. Things were the way they were and nothing I could do would change that.

I suddenly heard a very familiar laugh. Looking up ahead I saw Jaden and Syrus standing together, both of them laughing together and smiling. They looked like they were happy, and that they were having fun. They didn't even notice me, where I was standing. Syrus and I had both moved on…we were both happy. I needed to learn to stop dwelling on the past and just accept things the way they were. Things were just fine the way they were. Sometimes you just can't have everything.

"Hey, Zaney, what are you staring at? I'm over here you know." I looked over and saw my silver-haired boyfriend, Aster Phoenix walking over to me. I smiled at him, "Nothing, I was waiting for you." Aster smirked and took my hand, "Aw, well isn't that sweet. So shall we go?" I nodded and we started to walk away from the academy. We walked past Syrus and Jaden and I refused to pay attention to either of them. But as we walked further away I felt someone staring at me. I turned to see Syrus, staring at me from where he was. It was a sad and longing look…it was so close to that look he gave me on that night. But I could do nothing about it. I turned away and continued walking with Aster as if I saw nothing. It always hurt to have to do this, but this is the way my life was now. And my life was always going to be this way. Maybe someday…in another life, in another time, the situation will be different and Syrus and I could meet again. Maybe then we could be together…maybe then it will be okay, to love him the way I do.


End file.
